When I was about age 3, I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism along with ADHD. I wasn't very social. I wanted friends but I was afraid to try and I just felt personally I didn't know how to please people so I hid away most of the time during recess. Sometimes even in class, I would hide behind the backpacks which you can imagine caused a lot of drama for the classroom. I was selfish. Everything was about me. I never tried to see what it was like through another persons eyes. I was very lazy. I hardly tried at all to get class done. My report card often wasn't something Mom or Dad could be proud of. It caused more worry then good. I looked forward to going to speech and resource mainly because I didn't have to do much work in those classes and I trusted that my resource teacher genuinely cared about me, even though I lied to her about stealing her Math Book Answer Key. You can bet that earned me a nice sitting in the principles office.
At home, I was very mischievous and playful. I never wanted to go to bed. I just wanted to stay up and play Super Nintendo or Lego's and build Star Wars battle ships. I still tell friends about those times I would purposely get my brother J.J. in trouble just to get a good laugh through his misery. A great one was when I woke up about 6 and I sneaked to the food closet and ate half a bag of tortilla chips. J.J. woke up not to long after that and started joining me. Within a minute, I told him to go a head. Eat as much as you want, and then I went back in my room until Mom and Dad woke up. You can guess what happened next. It's moments like those that could be the roots of why J.J. and I have a sibling rivalry even though we get a long much better now than we used to.
Fast forward a few years to about age 10. This was about the time I truly started being trouble, at least in my opinion. I was always angry. I hated life. I had suicidal thoughts. I was constantly going through the thought of "whats the point of living anyway". I felt lonely and that no one truly cared about me, except maybe my 4th grade teacher, Mr. Randall and I did like my 5th grade teacher Mr. Furse. I still classify him as probably the funniest teacher I ever had. It didn't take much to set me off. One moment in that class, I did something embarrassing and the whole class laughed at me. I can't remember what I did but I remember I hulked up and screamed, running out of the classroom forcing my teacher to chase after me. I was faster than him. During that time a girl with a broken arm was walking out of the office and said "hi Taylor" and without even thinking I punched her in the broken arm and kept running. She cried hard as you would imagine. I still wish I could remember who she was and see her so I could tell her I'm sorry.
If I saw Mom share a kiss with someone, I took that as "you love him more than me". I'd scream, go to my room and lie in the closet. I would talk to my blanket who was my imaginary friend about how terrible people are and I'd pretend that he completely understood me. That blanket was my best friend for too long. I even had a name for it. Snoozy was his name. If I didn't go to my room to vent off, I went into this drain pit in our backyard supposedly to wait to get bitten and killed by a snake because someone told me snakes lived down there and they'd eat me if I waited long enough. I never stayed under for more than 5 minutes. The worst day though was when Mom made Chicken and Rice which was my most hated dish at the time and I screamed, "That's it Mom. I'm running away!! You obviously made that because you hate me and don't care about me. If you really loved me you would've bought Pizza!!!" Yes I had the complete wrong idea of what love was. I thought love mean't if someone felt that way about me, they would be my personal slave and be happy to give me whatever I wanted.
I did end up running away, at least as far as what felt like a couple miles. I carried my wooden toy sword with me basically to send the message, don't mess with me and I ran from the bottom part of Hurricane a few blocks from where Lin's is located up to about the entrance of La Verkin at a bridge where I originally thought of jumping off of to kill my self. When I got there, I was extremely exhausted and started laying down on the sidewalk. I felt like fainting. A minute or so later, a woman in a red car pulled over and asked me if I was OK. I told her I was lost and didn't know where I was, which was a complete lie. She offered to let me hitch with her and she drove me to the police station and had me tell the officer everything. She left as soon as the officer gave her permission to go do her business and he'll figure things out so he asked me questions. The first one was obvious. "What's your name?" I responded "Steve Smith". I told him I was lost and didn't know how to get home. He then asked me "Does your home have a number?" I said yes and I told him something random. He then said "a phone number should only have 7 or ten digits. Will you tell me again?" I think it was right then he got suspicious that I was lying to him. I told him a random 7 digit number starting with 652. He called the number and talked a little bit. As soon as he hung up, he said "Do you know who that was? That was the Holdaway's! Is your name really "Steve Smith"?" I told him yes. He then walked me into what looked like a meeting room with a big table and a bunch of chairs. In that room on the wall was a radio which cops listened to in case something goes wrong. He told me to sit in a chair until he gets things figured out, so I did. I listened to the radio because it was the only exciting thing going on in there. One moment at about 20 minutes, I heard the radio say "Well we just got a call about a boy who ran away. His name is Taylor Walters and his mom is Jenifer Summerhays." I froze and was like "oh no. I hope he didn't hear that." Within minutes he walked in the room and asked in a serious tone, "Your name is Taylor isn't it?" I responded no. How could you think that?" He had Mom enter the room and she was crying up a storm. The officer let me have a choice. "Either you can go back home and be nicer to your mother and never run away again or you can take a trip to the Crisis Center. It's your choice but I recommend you go home." I replied screaming at the top of my lungs, " I don't care!!! I just want to get away from this stupid mother of mine!!" The cop gave a sigh and said "OK stand up and put your hands behind your back." I had no idea what he was doing until he locked me in handcuffs and then started walking me to his cop car. Having handcuffs behind my back while sitting in that car was one of the most uncomfortable positions I had ever dealt with. As soon as I walked in the crisis center they released the handcuffs and my wrists were so sore they had red rings around them. The people had me sit in a chair for about 30 minutes until they let me in my room for the night. I asked a man "when can I get up and do stuff?" and he told me when ever I wanted. I slept for a good hour then came out about midnight and right away the guy said "Why are you out?" I responded "you said I could get up and do things whenever I wanted to." He said "not outside your bedroom. Go back in now." I immediately crawled back onto my bed and I had tears out of my eyes hard. I missed my Mom. I felt so tremendously guilty and broken apart. 3 days later they let me go home. The dude who released me was kind and happy that I was excited to go home. Mom was excited to have me back as well. We gave a big hug and hoped for better things to come from that experience. She did mention I was lucky Dad was on vacation or that experience would've been even worse, but all I could feel was that I was very sorry. Amazingly though I was still a jerk when I got home but I did promise never to run away again and I kept that. I cut the wires off my brothers Karaoke Machine, I kicked down my older brothers door, and I abused our cat doing things like throwing her down the stair well, holding her in the fridge for a few minutes, etc. Mom and Dad eventually agreed that Dad would be my primary care taker and I'd only visit Mom once a week. Sometimes two weeks.
For a few years I learned some harsh lessons. My Dad will always be considered my biggest hero for that. He stuck by and taught me life while almost everyone else already quit on me. I did listen to him much better than I ever did Mom. I always wanted to please my Dad while around Mom, I was in the mindset of I'm not scared of you. You're too hard on me. I always had that connection that I wanted to please Dad no matter what and I think it's just I felt him and I had a lot in common. I could talk about sports with him and I loved watching WWE with him. It was also fun to watch him play video games and race him in Mario Kart. As much fun and connection Dad and I felt we had he also had a no tolerance policy. His deal was basic stuff like if I lived with him I will shower everyday, I will not play video games until my chores were done as well as my homework. Mom had the same policy with the video games but again I listened to Dad easier. He wasn't afraid to tell me off if I was being a butt-head and that may have been the other reason I listened to him was he knew how to intimidate when I needed to be intimidated. I could spend hours writing stories of hard learning experiences he put me through but I don't need to go that deep.
Now at age 14. I was starting my Freshmen year at Snow Canyon Middle School. I had been through a lot and I was more disciplined but I was still a lonely and shy kid. I ate lunch alone or I'd sit with teachers. I was often depressed because I felt I didn't have many friends. This is where my life truly began changing. Within a few weeks of the 1st day of school people were already talking to me. One changing moment was when there was a dance competition during lunch and a guy who would later be a dear friend told me "Taylor go Dance in there. You'll do great!" I was hesitant but at the same time couldn't help but think "out of all people, he's asking me to go in there. I had never been asked to join a dance before." So I did and I ended up getting 2nd place losing to Sahara Buehner. She ended up being the first girl I ever slow danced with. There was a free school dance late one evening and I was just saying, I doubt anyone will want to dance with me any way. Sahara spoke up and said "I'll dance with you" and she seemed really happy to do it. She has forever gratitude from me for that even though she may not know it. You can bet a lot of my friends were like "did you kiss her?" and I of course said no. I felt like the life of the party. Girls every where were putting flower necklaces over me and all the boys would be like "Woohh Taylor! You've got crushes!"
When November came I tried out for the Freshmen basketball team. This was the defining moment of what changed me as a person from shy and doubtful to outgoing and hopeful. I was in bad shape. Even though I was short and one of the slowest people on the team, Coach Dwain Schallenberger accepted me on the team. We still laugh about that moment when in our post try-out interview, he asked me "Do you think you made the team?" I quickly responded excitedly "YES!". Him and Boyd Livingston smiled and said you are on this team and I was so happy. It was the happiest moment of my life at the time. Later at Cross Creek which is this rehab school we played and were losing hard. Coach D but me in the last minute and told me to shoot it. I attempted my first shot as a basketball team player and I made it!! When the buzzer went off, the opposing crowd started yelling "14! 14! 14! 14! 14! 14!" I didn't realize they were cheering for me until my dear friend Preston Root told me,"I think they're cheering for you Taylor!" Jordan Bozarth said "go walk to them." So I did and they surrounded me like I was some kind of celebrity and lifted me on there shoulders. I ate it up and posed as I was being carried from one side of the gym to the other. I was in a heavenly peaceful state of emotion like I had never been before. Even though score wise we lost badly, we couldn't help but feel like we won, especially me.
Coach D from that point would turn into one of my biggest heroes ever. He was like the big brother I never had and I still consider him a big brother to this day. If it wasn't for him, I doubt I would be coaching right now.
I would become an assistant coach at age 15 alongside him for two seasons. I would also be a mascot, a nominee for the Spirit of Sport award, get voted Most Warrior Spirit and be a participant in the Mr. Warrior competition as well as the Warrior Olympics. The moment that shined on me most though was on Senior Night, I think Wane Kittrell called me down to the center of the gym. There was no one standing by me. It was just solo. He started telling my story about how I over came adversity in many ways and always kept my head hi. James Brown walked up and had me sign the game ball and the crowd gave me standing ovation that lasted like 30 seconds to a minute. I wept and couldn't help but feel I didn't deserve it that far although pretty much every one else would disagree with me. I was very humbled by that experience. I never took people for granted again and I feel a sense of gratitude and respect for that school and all who work there. Even now I feel I owe to society to become the best person I can be because now I know they genuinely want me to become that. That is one of my biggest motivations to be better everyday alongside the competitive desire to go further than any doubters would predict.
I came from a kid to who doctors and teachers said would be Dependant, probably won't move out of the house till a later time than most, predicted to be not very successful, and hopeless to a man who is motivated, achieving his goals very well for someone his age, and a bright future. Even I can't believe how much I've changed. When I tell my childhood story to people, they almost always respond "I can't believe that was you Taylor. I always thought you were just a great kid your whole life." Even I can't believe that was me at one point. That is why I feel like I'm living a dream and in heaven on Earth everyday because I have seen it from the other end and I with no doubt much prefer this. I am always grateful for what I have now and will never allow myself to be wish ful for things I don't have yet. People sometimes ask me "you don't have a girlfriend or a car and you don't relax very often. You're always working?? How can you be as happy as you are day after day.." I respond it's just because I wouldn't have it any other way because I truly know what it's like to have almost nothing.
I feel that way physically as well. When I run and jump it feels like I'm flying because I did have a year and a half where I couldn't walk without falling. That's also a reason I don't mind not having a car right now and just walking everywhere because I've seen what its like to not be able to walk and I much rather prefer walking than not being able to. Every step has a feeling of greatness because of that. When I play basketball it's heavenly because every movement I do in basketball was impossible at one point so my passion grew even stronger for the game because of that.
The point I'm trying to make is I am eternally grateful for what I have now and the reason I am who I am today is because of my experiences of yesterday and beyond. I'm not trying to brag about my rise of becoming who I am but I want people to know that no matter how low your life may seem, you can always climb up to something far greater. It just takes a few things.
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| Taylor Walters |
1. Belief and confidence in your abilities and talents
2. Be grateful everyday for what you have and don't worry about what you don't have at the moment.
3. Be excited for what's to come and use that as a source of motivation to keep climbing that virtual mountain we call life.
4. When things go bad, just remember what you're grateful for and use it as a learning experience rather than a reason to hate your life. This is a common mistake. It's easy to run away from a problem and get sad and depressed from it but I believe it can always be turned into a happy thought when you choose to learn from it. You'll get better because of it and that at least to me gets me excited because I always want to be my best and even go beyond that.
5. Appreciate the people who have stuck by you no matter what happened. I understand for some of us, this step can be hard, so if you literally feel alone, then just hope and be grateful that there is someone out there that wants the best for you and is excited for your future, regardless of all the mistakes you have committed.
Here are pics of people who I truly appreciate. Mind that I do have more than this but I have to respect that some may rather not be posted on here. These are basically my family and people I know that have had a significant impact that don't mind knowing they're appreciated.
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| My mom, my brothers and Me! |
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| Top:Robert my stepfather Middle from Left to right: J.J. Mom, and Brennan Lowest: Cameron my stepbro |
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| Jon Graf and Me |
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| My Brother Brennan and Me |
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| Coach Dwain Schallenberger |
6. Always remember to forgive yourself and others for the trials you've gone through. Definitely forgive yourself and I promise this gets easier as you practice it especially when you learn to use your past regretful moments as learning opportunities. Forgive others for not believing in you and for whatever reason and just choose to see the beauty in them rather than the ugly. There is beauty in everyone if you search and think about it. One common beauty I find is the fact is that a person is him/ her self. I don't want to wish someone was different than who they are because you're changing the thing that defines them and that's not very beautiful.
7. Don't ever wish you were something more. Make your self something more by making goals and confidently achieving them while being happy for who you are now.
8. Don't ever let others decide what your potential in life is. Decide for yourself where and how far you desire to go and don't give yourself a virtual ceiling. Keep staying motivated and keep rising up.
These steps should be used daily and not just once in a while. It will get easier because eventually it becomes habitual. You will be happy naturally because you've trained your mind to think like that everyday. Be grateful for who you are and never tell your self you wish you could live like someone else. It's GREAT to use others as role models but don't be jealous and wishful for what they have.
I'm sorry this was such a long article but I felt it was my responsibility to share this to whoever wants to take this as a source of motivation to get better and be happy for who they are. Thanks all of you and know I truly do appreciate each and every person that comes into my life. Even the ones that hurt me because those that hurt me made me stronger and taught me something and the ones who love me and support me are my sources of motivation to be proud and grateful for who I am.
